In An Attempt At “Fairness” Lottery Changes Rules

Facing harsh criticism from gamblers and hopefuls alike, the two major lotteries in the United States are changing their rules so that more people win.

“More and more,” Alice Rigsdale, spokeswoman for the Powerball Lottery, said, “We are hearing complaints that too few people win in the lottery. People are becoming disillusioned with the odds and they are starting to pull their money out of lotteries. ‘If I can’t win, why bother trying?’ is what we are hearing.”

“Americans want a sense of ownership,” Richard Gardiner commented. “As president of the American’s for Blue Ribbons, it is my job to make sure that everyone in America feels that they have won! Our organization will not rest until everyone gets exactly what they feel they deserve, whether it is winning lottery money or prizes at the county fairgrounds. America was founded on equality and that’s what we are fighting for now.”

Ms. Rigsdale stated that in the next few months people will see changes to the lottery systems. Powerball numbers will come in sets of three and all a person has to do is match one of those for the Powerball to count. Also, there will be three numbers instead of the tradition five. “People will still pick five numbers, but they only need some combination of three to get prizes.

When asked if this will diminish the payouts, Ms. Rigsdale replied, “Of course it would, but we have secured funding from the Federal government to cover the increased cost of the tickets. One set of numbers will now cost ten dollars. To assist those who live minimal means and cannot afford the increase, we will offer an eight dollar grant, if you will, to help them buy their tickets.”

Mr. Gardiner applauded the move by the lotteries. “This is a great day for Americans,” he said. “Now, no matter how rich or poor you are, educated or not, you will have a greater chance to win something from a lottery ticket. Everyone will feel good about themselves. One day, we hope to get it that everyone wins something every time.”

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Joe Biden Confused on Sequester Shows Up To White House Wearing Pajamas

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Washington–Joe Biden showed up at the White House yesterday in his pajamas, carrying a tattered blanket wrapped around a well-loved teddy bear his grandmother had given him. Obama was said by aides to be completely puzzled by the Vice-President’s wardrobe. According to White House aide Alice Rigsdale, Biden was eager for the  upcoming sequestration. Obama shook his head and asked, “Have you been watching Law and Order re-runs again?” Biden nodded vigorously, and asked, “So, can we stay at the Hay-Adams or are we going out to the Greenbriar?” Clearly agitated, Obama left the room muttering, “The things I do for George Soros.” Several Vice-Presidential aides had to brief Biden on the difference between jury sequestration and the upcoming fiscal issues facing the U.S. government. “So we don’t get to rent dirty movies on Pay-Per-View,” a puzzled Biden asked.

Hugo Chavez Back In Venezuela And Glad To No Longer Be The Second Craziest Leader In The Country

chavez-castroCaracas, Venezuela–Hugo Chavez made a theatrical return to Venezuela, announcing his homecoming via Twitter, and then going into seclusion at a military base while dozens of supporters meandered the streets in tepid celebration. Chavez’s first tweet “Ahe ahill eiahi zosoelt” was initially reported by state media as a moment where the devout Catholic was speaking in tongues. It was later leaked that Chavez was doped up on morphine and accidentally got ahold of his phone. “I am grateful for my time in Cuba and the treatment I received there,” Chavez tweeted. “I am home now, and God is with the Revolution!” Government aides have told the press that, privately, Chavez is happy to be out of Cuba where he was overshadowed by the Castro Brothers. “Cuba was good to him,” an aide said on the condition of anonymity, “But now that he is home, he is once again the top dog.”

Republicans invite Christine O’Donnell To Perform Secret Electoral Ceremony

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Washington–In a secret chapel deep in the bowels of the Republican Party’s most sacred holy site, the U.S. Treasury Building, leading Congressional Republicans along side Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and the Koch Brothers gathered to resurrect a time-honored, long-lived election ceremony. The election ceremony has gone through many incarnations.  In 1952, the ceremony was convened so the Republicans could summoned their dark lord, Cyfoeth, to bestow upon them the ability to overcome the FDR-Truman Democrats. Ultimately, it was Eisenhower who sipped the concocted elixir. Legend has it that Nixon tried to steal it from him, and had to be wrestled to the floor by Nelson Rockefeller and Barry Goldwater. A less serious ceremony was held prior to the 1968 election, but many Republicans felt that they could have put up a cold fish to run against the Democrats and still won. As was the case in 1980. Many in the inner-circle felt that by not honoring Cyfoeth in the 1992 election with a ceremony seeking his guidance was the chief cause of the Republican Party’s downfall, and why he led them astray with Bush and McCain.

This year’s ceremony was called by the tri-High-Priestesses–Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, and the matriarch, Phyllis Schlafly–in order to save the Grand Old Party and atone for past sins.

“We are a divided party,” the reclusive Schlafly said afterward, “Between the stay-at-home mother types, the Tea Party, and our moderate conservative brethren, we need to find a balance and a leader that will unify our party once again.”

According to reports, the ceremony began at 2:12 in the morning–a symbolic time referencing Abraham Lincoln’s birthday–with Republicans dressed in black robes and chanting “Rydym wrth ein bodd arian, rhaeadru i lawr” and the newly appointed Coven Master Christine O’Donnell in a traditional brown robe. The assembled members walked solemnly into the bowels of the Treasury Building, into their chapel, and formed two neat rows as they knelt before the Cross and their Coven Master.

O’Donnell recited sacred text from Lincoln’s private diary as she added strands of hair from Teddy Roosevelt, a fingernail from Ronald Reagan, and a melted down war medal from Dwight Eisenhower to a simmering cauldron of almond paste, monkshood, and vervain. “We beseech thee, Cyfoeth, we your children call upon your name and invite you here Cyfoeth to guide us in these dark days.”

Ms. O’Donnell is the 31st Coven Master in the history of the Republican Party, and it is said that she is very honored by the appointment and will do everything in her powers to assist the party. It is rumored that she used the blood of fifty constituents in a Wiccan ceremony to assist the Romney/Ryan ticket. “I should have used one hundred,” she lamented after the election.

As the ceremony progressed, junior Republicans began to beat themselves with bundled, failed bills from the last Congressional session. Senior Republicans took original drafts of Romney campaign speeches and repeatedly gave themselves paper cuts on the arms and neck. Bleeding, they then began to writhe in a trance-like state while Rush Limbaugh played a drum beat on his bare chest and chanted in a low, almost growl-like voice, “Dewch i ni yr etholiad, Dewch i ni etholiad.”

“Cyfoeth honors us,” O’Donnell said as the room darkened. She proceeded to pick up a wooden stick said to be Lincoln’s original ax handle and she rubbed the stick against the bleeding bodies of the senior Republicans. “This is our time, brethren!” An anonymous source confirmed that she then donned the ceremonial headband adorned with the teeth of past Presidential office seekers; the two eye-teeth of Dewey had turned black shortly after the election of Kennedy.

Covered in blood, the ax handle was then used to stir the near boiling elixir in the cauldron at the center of the room. Dipping her hands into the boiling solution, O’Donnell proceeded to drink the elixir, and in a moment of pure introspection, she uttered the name of the next Republican candidate. No one in the room was willing to share the name, alleging that they were sworn to secrecy by having Phyllis Schlafly, the Highest of the three priestess, paint the mark of silence–made from the blood from the shirt Teddy Roosevelt wore when he was shot in Wisconsin and the blood from Reagan’s assassination attempt–on their foreheads. This was also to guard them against assaults from the left.

Obama Administration Adding A Gibberish Press Conference For Photographers So He Can Keep His Flow

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Washington–A week after President Obama was interrupted by the White House press corps photographers White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced that the President would give a once weekly speech in the briefing room in which he would say complete gibberish. “Last week,” Carney said, “The President’s train of thought was broken, mid-sentence, by the incessant clicking and flashing of the photography corps.” As the President spoke on his current economic policy, he paused, looked at the cameramen and said, “What’s up cameramen? Come on guys.” He took a breath and looked at the reports and quipped, “They’re breaking my flow all the time.” Carney promised anxious reporters that the President would give the gibberish speech in a professional manner, full of his normal poise, grandeur, and personal flair so that the camera corps would get him at his most serious. Photographs of the President during regular briefings would not be allowed, but videography will still be allowed.

When word of this spread to Sen. Rand Paul’s office he quickly responded by saying, “Since when does anything the President say not resemble gibberish? Just more fodder for me to use in my State of the Union rebuttal.” Jay Carney was quick to counter. “If anyone on the Hill knows their gibberish, it is Senator Paul,” Carney said. “Just listen to him ramble on when he speaks about his foreign policy plans.” Carney referred to Sen. Paul’s speech at The Heritage Foundation which drew criticism from the right for being generally clueless.