Washington–In a secret chapel deep in the bowels of the Republican Party’s most sacred holy site, the U.S. Treasury Building, leading Congressional Republicans along side Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and the Koch Brothers gathered to resurrect a time-honored, long-lived election ceremony. The election ceremony has gone through many incarnations. In 1952, the ceremony was convened so the Republicans could summoned their dark lord, Cyfoeth, to bestow upon them the ability to overcome the FDR-Truman Democrats. Ultimately, it was Eisenhower who sipped the concocted elixir. Legend has it that Nixon tried to steal it from him, and had to be wrestled to the floor by Nelson Rockefeller and Barry Goldwater. A less serious ceremony was held prior to the 1968 election, but many Republicans felt that they could have put up a cold fish to run against the Democrats and still won. As was the case in 1980. Many in the inner-circle felt that by not honoring Cyfoeth in the 1992 election with a ceremony seeking his guidance was the chief cause of the Republican Party’s downfall, and why he led them astray with Bush and McCain.
This year’s ceremony was called by the tri-High-Priestesses–Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, and the matriarch, Phyllis Schlafly–in order to save the Grand Old Party and atone for past sins.
“We are a divided party,” the reclusive Schlafly said afterward, “Between the stay-at-home mother types, the Tea Party, and our moderate conservative brethren, we need to find a balance and a leader that will unify our party once again.”
According to reports, the ceremony began at 2:12 in the morning–a symbolic time referencing Abraham Lincoln’s birthday–with Republicans dressed in black robes and chanting “Rydym wrth ein bodd arian, rhaeadru i lawr” and the newly appointed Coven Master Christine O’Donnell in a traditional brown robe. The assembled members walked solemnly into the bowels of the Treasury Building, into their chapel, and formed two neat rows as they knelt before the Cross and their Coven Master.
O’Donnell recited sacred text from Lincoln’s private diary as she added strands of hair from Teddy Roosevelt, a fingernail from Ronald Reagan, and a melted down war medal from Dwight Eisenhower to a simmering cauldron of almond paste, monkshood, and vervain. “We beseech thee, Cyfoeth, we your children call upon your name and invite you here Cyfoeth to guide us in these dark days.”
Ms. O’Donnell is the 31st Coven Master in the history of the Republican Party, and it is said that she is very honored by the appointment and will do everything in her powers to assist the party. It is rumored that she used the blood of fifty constituents in a Wiccan ceremony to assist the Romney/Ryan ticket. “I should have used one hundred,” she lamented after the election.
As the ceremony progressed, junior Republicans began to beat themselves with bundled, failed bills from the last Congressional session. Senior Republicans took original drafts of Romney campaign speeches and repeatedly gave themselves paper cuts on the arms and neck. Bleeding, they then began to writhe in a trance-like state while Rush Limbaugh played a drum beat on his bare chest and chanted in a low, almost growl-like voice, “Dewch i ni yr etholiad, Dewch i ni etholiad.”
“Cyfoeth honors us,” O’Donnell said as the room darkened. She proceeded to pick up a wooden stick said to be Lincoln’s original ax handle and she rubbed the stick against the bleeding bodies of the senior Republicans. “This is our time, brethren!” An anonymous source confirmed that she then donned the ceremonial headband adorned with the teeth of past Presidential office seekers; the two eye-teeth of Dewey had turned black shortly after the election of Kennedy.
Covered in blood, the ax handle was then used to stir the near boiling elixir in the cauldron at the center of the room. Dipping her hands into the boiling solution, O’Donnell proceeded to drink the elixir, and in a moment of pure introspection, she uttered the name of the next Republican candidate. No one in the room was willing to share the name, alleging that they were sworn to secrecy by having Phyllis Schlafly, the Highest of the three priestess, paint the mark of silence–made from the blood from the shirt Teddy Roosevelt wore when he was shot in Wisconsin and the blood from Reagan’s assassination attempt–on their foreheads. This was also to guard them against assaults from the left.