Republicans invite Christine O’Donnell To Perform Secret Electoral Ceremony


Washington–In a secret chapel deep in the bowels of the Republican Party’s most sacred holy site, the U.S. Treasury Building, leading Congressional Republicans along side Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and the Koch Brothers gathered to resurrect a time-honored, long-lived election ceremony. The election ceremony has gone through many incarnations.  In 1952, the ceremony was convened so the Republicans could summoned their dark lord, Cyfoeth, to bestow upon them the ability to overcome the FDR-Truman Democrats. Ultimately, it was Eisenhower who sipped the concocted elixir. Legend has it that Nixon tried to steal it from him, and had to be wrestled to the floor by Nelson Rockefeller and Barry Goldwater. A less serious ceremony was held prior to the 1968 election, but many Republicans felt that they could have put up a cold fish to run against the Democrats and still won. As was the case in 1980. Many in the inner-circle felt that by not honoring Cyfoeth in the 1992 election with a ceremony seeking his guidance was the chief cause of the Republican Party’s downfall, and why he led them astray with Bush and McCain.

This year’s ceremony was called by the tri-High-Priestesses–Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, and the matriarch, Phyllis Schlafly–in order to save the Grand Old Party and atone for past sins.

“We are a divided party,” the reclusive Schlafly said afterward, “Between the stay-at-home mother types, the Tea Party, and our moderate conservative brethren, we need to find a balance and a leader that will unify our party once again.”

According to reports, the ceremony began at 2:12 in the morning–a symbolic time referencing Abraham Lincoln’s birthday–with Republicans dressed in black robes and chanting “Rydym wrth ein bodd arian, rhaeadru i lawr” and the newly appointed Coven Master Christine O’Donnell in a traditional brown robe. The assembled members walked solemnly into the bowels of the Treasury Building, into their chapel, and formed two neat rows as they knelt before the Cross and their Coven Master.

O’Donnell recited sacred text from Lincoln’s private diary as she added strands of hair from Teddy Roosevelt, a fingernail from Ronald Reagan, and a melted down war medal from Dwight Eisenhower to a simmering cauldron of almond paste, monkshood, and vervain. “We beseech thee, Cyfoeth, we your children call upon your name and invite you here Cyfoeth to guide us in these dark days.”

Ms. O’Donnell is the 31st Coven Master in the history of the Republican Party, and it is said that she is very honored by the appointment and will do everything in her powers to assist the party. It is rumored that she used the blood of fifty constituents in a Wiccan ceremony to assist the Romney/Ryan ticket. “I should have used one hundred,” she lamented after the election.

As the ceremony progressed, junior Republicans began to beat themselves with bundled, failed bills from the last Congressional session. Senior Republicans took original drafts of Romney campaign speeches and repeatedly gave themselves paper cuts on the arms and neck. Bleeding, they then began to writhe in a trance-like state while Rush Limbaugh played a drum beat on his bare chest and chanted in a low, almost growl-like voice, “Dewch i ni yr etholiad, Dewch i ni etholiad.”

“Cyfoeth honors us,” O’Donnell said as the room darkened. She proceeded to pick up a wooden stick said to be Lincoln’s original ax handle and she rubbed the stick against the bleeding bodies of the senior Republicans. “This is our time, brethren!” An anonymous source confirmed that she then donned the ceremonial headband adorned with the teeth of past Presidential office seekers; the two eye-teeth of Dewey had turned black shortly after the election of Kennedy.

Covered in blood, the ax handle was then used to stir the near boiling elixir in the cauldron at the center of the room. Dipping her hands into the boiling solution, O’Donnell proceeded to drink the elixir, and in a moment of pure introspection, she uttered the name of the next Republican candidate. No one in the room was willing to share the name, alleging that they were sworn to secrecy by having Phyllis Schlafly, the Highest of the three priestess, paint the mark of silence–made from the blood from the shirt Teddy Roosevelt wore when he was shot in Wisconsin and the blood from Reagan’s assassination attempt–on their foreheads. This was also to guard them against assaults from the left.

Are the Democrats killing the Republicans?

The Romney loss malaise has set in, and many on the right grasping as to why the Republicans lost this election. What was supposed to be a sure thing became a we can’t.

The GOP has been quick to cast blame wherever they could throw it, but this isn’t a game of horseshoes.

At one time, both party’s had their extreme groups clinging to the fringes of the party.

However, since the 1970s, one party has watched their fringe group slowly move their way toward the center.

At one time, abortion, same-sex marriage, and the legalization of drugs were taboo topics in government. Now, what was a small group of people on the left fringe have made their way into the main.

The Democratic Platform addressed abortion this way: (Try to ignore the fact that the Democrats say this, yet want government intervention on birth control)

“We oppose all efforts to weaken or undermine that right [abortion]. Abortion is an intensely personal decision between a woman, her family, her doctor, and her clergy; there is no place for politicians or government to get in the way.”

Ten states have written into their constitutions legal same-sex marriage. These states tend toward the blue.

Colorado and Washington states both legalized the possession of marijuana in 2012.

It is not just within the Democratic party that what was once a fringe idea has shifted to the moderate.

Mainstream media is also embracing these ideals.

New Normal on NBC

New Normal on NBC

New Normal

Television shows like “The New Normal” and “Modern Family” highlight openly gay characters. Looking at their titles alone, it can be seen how well what was once hidden from society has become an integrated part of it. While I am not one to cite the Huffington Post, they did run an interesting article on the political choices of viewers of these shows, and they stand to support my assertions.

How is this killing the Republicans?


The further to the middle these ideals slide, the further to the extreme right shifts the bulk of the Republican party.

There was a time when a sort of détente existed between the Democrats and Republicans. A tenuous peace predicated on each party keeping the fringe groups contained on the edges of the party. The party leaders could come together in the middle, my neck of the woods, and work together. Now, as views that contradict almost every fiber of the conservative Republican become more accepted, they retreat further into the corner of politics. And what do hunters say about a cornered animal? Exactly.

How to Save the Republicans

I’ve heard Rush Limbaugh and other Republican talking heads talk about how the Republican party is in surrender mode.

Really, Mr. Limbaugh, the Republicans are in a more dire place than that.

By shifting to an extremist position on the right, fighting to “retake America”, they end up Beliefs-of-the-Republican-Party-e1353328912692looking like crazy zealots shouting from the highest peaks of insanity. Instead of fighting, it is high time for the Republicans to come back to the middle. How they do that, though, is going to take a measured amount of trust and faith in the system that they are claiming to want to “retake”.

At the fundamental core of most Republicans is a moral conservative that was born during Reagan’s first election. I say to these Republicans–Tea Party or common Republicans–it is time to live what you preach: Love they neighbor.

The writing is on the wall. We are in the “new normal” and you aren’t going to take back anything. The harder the Republican party fights against these norms, the more the Democrat party wins.

The Republican party needs to not judge (lest, of course, they be judge… not by God, but by the voting society that views them as antiquated).

The Republican party needs to love their neighbor. They don’t have to accept anything. If their neighbor wants to have a same-sex marriage, be happy for their happiness. Remember, dear Republican, God brought hell on earth to Sodom and Gomorrah, but this is the same God that allowed Lot to sleep with his two daughters.

Puritan father and wife with children

Puritan father and wife with children

It isn’t that the Republican party is the party of old, white men. However, it is seen this way because of the image of Puritanical white men who lived as God on earth (He for God only; she for God in him).

I would argue that most Americans see themselves as fiscally conservative while socially liberal. These are the targets that the Republicans should court. Unfortunately, the socially liberal aspect is non-existent with the extremism of the new Republican.

Republicans, look for the good in this “new normal”.

Right now, judges in the juvenile court system will not hear cases involving parents giving their children marijuana so long as the student is “passing” their classes and attending school. Doesn’t matter if the child is attending stoned or not. There just isn’t room in the case load for these issues (FYI, as a teacher, I asked this question of a juvenile court judge and that was his answer). Now, at least here in Colorado, maybe we can tax the pot dispensaries and use this money in the juvenile court system?

The Republican party shouldn’t compromise anything. Hold your values. Teach your values. Just accept that at this moment in American history, your values aren’t the norm. Right now, there are independents looking for a fiscally conservative party; people, Democrats and Independents alike, admit that we cannot survive years of reckless spending like we have seen recently.

Let loose the extremist camp. Let them form their own party.

Find a way to come back to the middle.

Otherwise, yes, Mr. Limbaugh you are right. Time Magazine you are right.

The Republican party will die.

Popular Vote vs. Congressional districting vote

Since the election and with the impending lemur-like plunge over the fiscal cliff looming, the vitriol from either side of me has become rampant. Accusations of the President not willing to concede to “Plan B” and reduced government spending, and the Republican House stonewalling on any attempt to raise taxes.

I started thinking, as have a few other pundits including David Wasserman over at the Cook Political Report, if the election would have turned out differently had all the states awarded their electoral vote a la Maine and Nebraska. (For those of you who do not know, these states award one vote per congressional district, not winner take all based on popular vote.)

After some searching, and data crunching, this is what I’ve come up with. (My sources are listed at the bottom of this article.)

In the 2012 election, Mitt Romney would have won.

how would the elections have changed if we used the congressional method

how would the elections have changed if we used the congressional method

And there it is.

Or is it? I suppose the Republicans will call this a victory and prance about saying that while Obama won the popular vote, he isn’t the majority of the nation’s president. But, really, it doesn’t change any other election result. I took this further back, and the next election swung by the ME/NB method was the 1960 election. We end up with a tie in 1976.

Looking at the results post 1988, I wonder what effect gerrymandering had on the results.

Gerrymander2We all know that gerrymandering is “bad”.

We all have heard one side vs. the other lambasting each other for their redistricting at the other party’s expense.

And we’ve all, I hope, stood in amazement at the sheer hypocrisy of the parties.

If the election shifted to the ME/NB method how often would the parties attempt to gerrymander their way to victory?

In California, they’ve attempted to dampen the ill-affects of the gerrymandering game by having a non-partisan standing committee to address the boundaries of the state’s congressional districts. By all accounts, the California Citizens Redistricting Commission works.

Looking at the results above, did gerrymandering affect the outcomes?


Well, okay. Twice.

1960 and 2012.

2012 can be attributed to more people coming out to vote against the incumbant.

1960 election came down to a difference of 0.17% in the popular vote. With numbers this tight, it is fairly obvious that a switch to any different accounting method would change the results.

In the long-run, however, even with the gerrymandering game in play, whether we elect the president via a popular vote-winner-take-all election or the ME/NB method, the results, at least for the past, would be fair and equal.

What the ME/NB would mean for America, is that people may feel that their voice actually matters. For Republicans living in the rural districts of California (eighteen total districts voted Republican), their vote wouldn’t be washed away by the urban centers along the coast. Democrats in Texas (9th, 15th, 16th, 18th, 20th, 23rd, 28th-30th, 33rd-35th districts) can legitimately claim that their vote went to their candidate.

If the end goal of the elections, as trumpeted by the Obama machine, is to get out the vote, then what better way than to have everyone in each district feel that they had their own little part in the election?

I say that America gives this a try. Let’s end the winner take all method where a candidate need only win a quarter of the states to become president.


Proimperium: Which Candidate Will Sink Lowest And Win?


Beaver Creek, Colorado–A group of the wealthiest political backers met at a private ranch near Beaver Creek last week. The group, led by Peter Riche and calling themselves the Proimperium, meets quarterly at the ranch to discuss all things political in America and the World. While typically mundane–setting up the agenda for upcoming G8 summits, arranging diplomatic meet-and-greets–this week’s meeting became a lively debate between Democrat supporter George Soros and Republican super-funders David and Charles Koch.

At issue, according to Peter Riche, was the bet between the deep pocketed political supporters. “George was upset,” Peter said at a local eatery after the meeting ended, “That the Koch brothers put up Paul Ryan instead of another Sarah Palin-type. He felt slighted that he kept Biden on the ticket, and the Koch brothers snuck Ryan into the Romney campaign.”

Apparently, nine months ago the Koch brothers and Soros made a bet that they could get the most bumbling fool into the White House. “We’ve all lost hope in our parties,” Peter Riche said. “Truly, the best thing for us all would be to see both of them dissolve into oblivion, and a new party forms that operates in fiscal conservatism and social liberalism. Until then, we might as well have fun with the American people.”

The recent slew of “leaked audio files” comes directly out of the meetings held on the ranch. “We go to high dollar fundraisers and corner our candidates in awkward conversations. Of course, we only release snippets,” Mr. Riche said.

It is no coincidence then that two days after a Romney tape “mysteriously” was handed to the media in which he complained that “47% of Americans are dependent on the government and wouldn’t vote for him anyway” that a tape of Obama in 1998 appears in which he says that he believes in “redistribution” of wealth. One candidate that feels there are forty-seven percent of Americans who want redistribution and one candidate that wants to redistribute it.

When asked about his view of the campaign, Mr. Riche replied, “As a life-long Democrat, I find it rather humorous that we can run a PAC ad in which Obama says that he will continue to fund clean energy, yet it was one of those very companies, Solyndra if you remember, that we gave a half a billion dollars to go bankrupt. Amazing how dumb we can make our party look and yet garner votes.”

About the conflict over VP candidates, Peter Riche had a different perspective: “Obama can do no wrong with the majority of voters so we need a Biden. The Republicans opted to have Romney so they need a Ryan to balance it all out. I think George is being a bit over-dramatic, but it doesn’t help that Biden doesn’t even know the exact number of troops America has in Afghanistan.”

The next meeting of the Proimperium isn’t scheduled until after the election. We’ll have to wait until then to see who has to pay up on the bet.



Open Letter To All Political Candidates

Dear Current And Future Candidates,

I applaud you for putting yourself out into the public eye for intense scrutiny, chastisement, and eventual demonization.

As you run your campaign, I’d like to offer you a piece of advice:

Accept your party’s skeletons. Acknowledge your party’s past. Don’t hide the facts; don’t skirt them, or misrepresent them.

To help you with this task, I have compiled a list of facets of your party that you have either forgotten about, or hope that the electorate is too ignorant to remember.

If you are going to pander for votes, at least be reticent of the fact that some of the groups you are pandering to weren’t always at the forefront of your party’s agenda.


War–You’ve got quite a bit to learn from your Democrat partners. Instead of grand wars you are the party of proxy wars. Instead of getting your hands dirty, your party opts to manipulate others to do your fighting. Nicaragua: Reagan and the Contra/Sandinista fight. Afghanistan: Reagan and funding a new group called al-Qaeda to fight the Soviets. Invasion of Grenada: Reagan again. Since Reagan, Republicans have tried hard to find a new bad guy in the world. You have settled on terrorists and have invaded two nations on the premise to keep the world safe from terrorism.

Socialism–Though the current party line is that Obama is dragging America into the dark abyss of Socialism, Republicans haven’t done much to stop it either. In fact, many Republicans actually accept many socialist programs. The first chance Republicans had at dismantling socialism, you didn’t. Eisenhower was the first Republican President post-FDR, and instead of ending many of his programs, he grew them. Hey Republicans, if you are so anti-Socialism, stop collecting Medicare/Medicaid, give your Social Security to your neighbor, and end Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae.

Civil Rights–As the Party of Lincoln you can be proud of the work your Party did at the onset of the Civil Rights tussle. However, as the years progressed, legislation passed by Republicans was more just an acknowledgement of the handwriting on the wall. Civil Rights legislation was more a tool to meet an end. That tool–making minorities happy, the end–re-election. The longer Democrats stonewalled on Civil Rights, the more it pushed minorities into the camp of Republicans. Oddly, Republicans lost out on the “popularity vote” in the 1960s when Johnson got his Civil Rights Act passed (with your help). It’s not that Republicans “care” about minorities, it’s that you need their votes. Let’s not forget that though the Party of Lincoln, your namesake was a supporter of the American Colonization Society founded by Henry Clay, and whose mission was to recolonize blacks to Africa.

Big Business–It should be pretty obvious that you are the Party of Big Business. Since the Gilded Age (1865-1900), Republicans have supported corporate America to the detriment of the worker. Harding, Coolidge, and Hoover’s policies during the 1920s benefited tycoons like Henry Ford, and the largest banks, but their deregulated policies also allowed a Great Depression to occur. Speaking of the Gilded Age, Reagan was quick to resurrect Andrew Carnegie’s “Gospel of Wealth” when he instituted Reaganomics. Top-down is the mantra of big business. Don’t forget President Jacobo Arbenz Guzman and his squabble with the United Fruit Company (UFC). Eisenhower was willing to allow UFC to operate a CIA program to overthrow Arbenz’s government in Guatemala. Read Biter Fruit.

Corruption–Why don’t American’s trust the Office of President? Richard Nixon. Republicans have long been a manipulative party. Republican political corruption begins with Warren Harding. From 1922-23, the Harding Administration was embroiled in bribery and kickbacks from sales of Naval Oil Reserves at Teapot Dome, Wyoming. Albert Fall, Harding’s Secretary of the Interior, was found guilty of bribery in 1929 becoming the first Presidential Cabinet member to go to prison for his actions during a Presidency. Not sure I need to go into great detail about Watergate, but suffice it to say that Nixon’s corruption knew no bounds. The Reagan years brought us Iran-Contra, the HUD rigging scandal, and  the Savings and Loan debacle. You might say that all these men learned from Ulysses S. Grant. His administration almost single-handedly invented the Republican scandals with Credit Mobilier.

Immigration–Let’s face it, Republicans, you’ve never really liked immigrants. It’s not that you have anything against immigrants, per se, but rather, lots of them coming in at the same time. Just look at the birth of your party. Aside from Free Soilers (people who wanted lands in the West devoid of blacks), the Republicans absorbed many anti-slavery Know-Nothings in 1860. The Know-Nothings, or American Party, was an anti-Catholic/anti-immigrant party. In 1882, fellow Republican Chester A. Arthur signed into law the Chinese Exclusion Act. In 1909, as a reaction to the growing wave of immigration from Southern and Eastern Europe, three Republicans–Henry Cabot Lodge, Albert Johnson, and David Reed–sought to restrict immigration. Their plan wouldn’t come to fruition until 1924 with the Johnson-Reed Act (otherwise known as the Immigration Act of 1924). After World War II, the need for Mexican-migrant labor ceased and Eisenhower appointed a former general to run the INS. Their plan, called Operation Wetback, went into affect in 1954 and within months 80,000 Mexicans were arrested.


War–Admit it. You are the party of War. You can spin it however you’d like, Noble War, Necessity, whatever. A Democrat hasn’t been introduced to a war they didn’t like in some fashion or at one point at time. World War I: Woodrow Wilson; ran on the campaign slogan “He kept us out of war” but months after election had U.S. soldiers on the fields of France. World War II: FDR. There are even documents that suggest that members of FDR’s cabinet, and possibly Roosevelt himself, knew at least eleven months in advance of the attack on Pearl Harbor and did nothing to prevent the loss of life. (Letters from U.S. Ambassador to Japan Joseph Grew, for example) Korea: Truman; “I will not let Korea go the way China went.” A silly little police action to prevent supposed dominos from falling. Vietnam: Kennedy; Johnson will escalate the numbers in 1965. More dominos. More blood loss. The four largest wars of the 20th Century–Democrats. You’ve got your proxy wars, too. Bay of Pigs anyone? And don’t forget who started the Civil War….

Women’s Rights–I’ll give you Roe v. Wade to remind everyone, but in this category your Party has two-face syndrome. While you support the right for women to achieve and be independent, you also have a litany of cheaters and adulterers. FDR: Lucy Mercer was his mistress for nearly thirty years and was by his side when he died; Missy LeHand served as FDR’s own private secretary. JFK: “used” whatever woman he came into contact with… White House staffers, movie stars, or reporters. He even had a suite on the 8th floor of Washington’s Mayflower Hotel for his “rendezvous”. Some we know of–Mimi Beardsley, Jill Cowen, and possibly Angie Dickinson and Marilyn Monroe. LBJ: well… let’s just call him the “Spanish Porn Star.” According to his former press secretary, LBJ “had the instincts of a Turkish sultan in Instanbul.” It is rumored that LBJ instructed his mistress to have an abortion even though it was illegal in the state of Texas. Clinton: two words–Monica Lewinsky. Both the “Spanish Porn Star” and Clinton had their dalliances prior to office, but we’ll leave those alone. Then there’s the saddest of them all. Rielle Hunter. She worked for John Edwards’ campaign, was his mistress while his wife was ill with cancer, and is the alleged mother of Edwards’ love kid.

Civil Rights–With all the hullabaloo the Democrats are making over voter identification, in-state tuition for illegal immigrants, and easing immigration laws, remember it was the Democrat that was doing what they could to keep minorities down. Look at one of the largest pre-Civil War Supreme Court Cases: Dred Scott v. Sandford, 1857. Chief Justice? Roger Taney. Party? Democrat. Sorry to remind you, but your are the party of the KKK. During the Great Depression, many New Deal programs ignored minorities, and some even made it illegal for minorities to get aid. In the 1950s, Governors Orval Faubus (Arkansas) and George Wallace (Alabama) did what they could to maintain segregation in their states. While it is true that it was a Democrat, Lyndon Johnson, who signed the 1964 Civil Rights Act, Democrats have to call a spade a spade. The Senate, Democrat controlled, attempted a filibuster to prevent the passage of the Act… oh, and Sen. Al Gore, Sr. was one of the “segregationists” opposed to the Act. If it weren’t for the Republicans, Johnson’s landmark Act would not have been passed. In fact, the majority of early Civil Rights programs were initiated by Eisenhower and later imitated by the Democrats to curry favor with minority voters.

Big Business–While Democrats often demonize Corporate America, the party depends upon its survival for their very own survival. Since the Great Depression and the legislation that brought FDR and unions into bed together, Democrats and Unions go hand in hand. What is not understood, is that without big business, unions don’t exist. Without the jobs big businesses provide, workers would be unemployed, and there would be no need for massive, cumbersome unions to protect them. Case in point: Obama’s bailout of GM. Without GM’s survival, unions would collapse. There is too much money at stake for this to happen. Like it or not, Democrats, you need big business. If you still don’t accept this fact: Look at the list of corporate sponsors for the 2012 DNC in Charlotte–At&T, Bank of America, Wells Fargo, Duke Energy, Time Warner Cable, US Airways, United Health Group, and The Coca Cola Company.

Wealth–In case you’ve been living under a rock these past few months, there’s been some chatter about Mitt Romney’s wealth and taxes coming from the Democratic Party. There’s a bit of irony in this, isn’t there, Mr./Mrs. Democrat? Some of the wealthiest presidents have come from the Democratic Party. Franklin D. Roosevelt: inherited parts of the Roosevelt fortunes. His net worth was around $60 million. John F. Kennedy: married Jacqueline Onassis of oil riches, and his own family was worth over $1 billion. His father was the first chair of the SEC. JFK’s share? All from trusts. Not a dime “earned,” though his death prevented him from collecting. LBJ owned a television and radio station in Austin Texas, and between that and other investments his net worth soared to near $90 million. More recently, John Kerry and the Democrats went after John McCain for not knowing how many homes he owned. Well Mr. Kerry, you and your wife own five homes with a net assessed value around $29 million. Seven of the top ten wealthiest Congressmen and women are Democrats (evens out in top twenty at ten apiece), with an estimated combined net worth of over $790,770,000. Oh, and the “first” Democrat, Thomas Jefferson, his net worth is estimated at $212 million.