Proimperium: Which Candidate Will Sink Lowest And Win?


Beaver Creek, Colorado–A group of the wealthiest political backers met at a private ranch near Beaver Creek last week. The group, led by Peter Riche and calling themselves the Proimperium, meets quarterly at the ranch to discuss all things political in America and the World. While typically mundane–setting up the agenda for upcoming G8 summits, arranging diplomatic meet-and-greets–this week’s meeting became a lively debate between Democrat supporter George Soros and Republican super-funders David and Charles Koch.

At issue, according to Peter Riche, was the bet between the deep pocketed political supporters. “George was upset,” Peter said at a local eatery after the meeting ended, “That the Koch brothers put up Paul Ryan instead of another Sarah Palin-type. He felt slighted that he kept Biden on the ticket, and the Koch brothers snuck Ryan into the Romney campaign.”

Apparently, nine months ago the Koch brothers and Soros made a bet that they could get the most bumbling fool into the White House. “We’ve all lost hope in our parties,” Peter Riche said. “Truly, the best thing for us all would be to see both of them dissolve into oblivion, and a new party forms that operates in fiscal conservatism and social liberalism. Until then, we might as well have fun with the American people.”

The recent slew of “leaked audio files” comes directly out of the meetings held on the ranch. “We go to high dollar fundraisers and corner our candidates in awkward conversations. Of course, we only release snippets,” Mr. Riche said.

It is no coincidence then that two days after a Romney tape “mysteriously” was handed to the media in which he complained that “47% of Americans are dependent on the government and wouldn’t vote for him anyway” that a tape of Obama in 1998 appears in which he says that he believes in “redistribution” of wealth. One candidate that feels there are forty-seven percent of Americans who want redistribution and one candidate that wants to redistribute it.

When asked about his view of the campaign, Mr. Riche replied, “As a life-long Democrat, I find it rather humorous that we can run a PAC ad in which Obama says that he will continue to fund clean energy, yet it was one of those very companies, Solyndra if you remember, that we gave a half a billion dollars to go bankrupt. Amazing how dumb we can make our party look and yet garner votes.”

About the conflict over VP candidates, Peter Riche had a different perspective: “Obama can do no wrong with the majority of voters so we need a Biden. The Republicans opted to have Romney so they need a Ryan to balance it all out. I think George is being a bit over-dramatic, but it doesn’t help that Biden doesn’t even know the exact number of troops America has in Afghanistan.”

The next meeting of the Proimperium isn’t scheduled until after the election. We’ll have to wait until then to see who has to pay up on the bet.



Open Letter To All Political Candidates

Dear Current And Future Candidates,

I applaud you for putting yourself out into the public eye for intense scrutiny, chastisement, and eventual demonization.

As you run your campaign, I’d like to offer you a piece of advice:

Accept your party’s skeletons. Acknowledge your party’s past. Don’t hide the facts; don’t skirt them, or misrepresent them.

To help you with this task, I have compiled a list of facets of your party that you have either forgotten about, or hope that the electorate is too ignorant to remember.

If you are going to pander for votes, at least be reticent of the fact that some of the groups you are pandering to weren’t always at the forefront of your party’s agenda.


War–You’ve got quite a bit to learn from your Democrat partners. Instead of grand wars you are the party of proxy wars. Instead of getting your hands dirty, your party opts to manipulate others to do your fighting. Nicaragua: Reagan and the Contra/Sandinista fight. Afghanistan: Reagan and funding a new group called al-Qaeda to fight the Soviets. Invasion of Grenada: Reagan again. Since Reagan, Republicans have tried hard to find a new bad guy in the world. You have settled on terrorists and have invaded two nations on the premise to keep the world safe from terrorism.

Socialism–Though the current party line is that Obama is dragging America into the dark abyss of Socialism, Republicans haven’t done much to stop it either. In fact, many Republicans actually accept many socialist programs. The first chance Republicans had at dismantling socialism, you didn’t. Eisenhower was the first Republican President post-FDR, and instead of ending many of his programs, he grew them. Hey Republicans, if you are so anti-Socialism, stop collecting Medicare/Medicaid, give your Social Security to your neighbor, and end Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae.

Civil Rights–As the Party of Lincoln you can be proud of the work your Party did at the onset of the Civil Rights tussle. However, as the years progressed, legislation passed by Republicans was more just an acknowledgement of the handwriting on the wall. Civil Rights legislation was more a tool to meet an end. That tool–making minorities happy, the end–re-election. The longer Democrats stonewalled on Civil Rights, the more it pushed minorities into the camp of Republicans. Oddly, Republicans lost out on the “popularity vote” in the 1960s when Johnson got his Civil Rights Act passed (with your help). It’s not that Republicans “care” about minorities, it’s that you need their votes. Let’s not forget that though the Party of Lincoln, your namesake was a supporter of the American Colonization Society founded by Henry Clay, and whose mission was to recolonize blacks to Africa.

Big Business–It should be pretty obvious that you are the Party of Big Business. Since the Gilded Age (1865-1900), Republicans have supported corporate America to the detriment of the worker. Harding, Coolidge, and Hoover’s policies during the 1920s benefited tycoons like Henry Ford, and the largest banks, but their deregulated policies also allowed a Great Depression to occur. Speaking of the Gilded Age, Reagan was quick to resurrect Andrew Carnegie’s “Gospel of Wealth” when he instituted Reaganomics. Top-down is the mantra of big business. Don’t forget President Jacobo Arbenz Guzman and his squabble with the United Fruit Company (UFC). Eisenhower was willing to allow UFC to operate a CIA program to overthrow Arbenz’s government in Guatemala. Read Biter Fruit.

Corruption–Why don’t American’s trust the Office of President? Richard Nixon. Republicans have long been a manipulative party. Republican political corruption begins with Warren Harding. From 1922-23, the Harding Administration was embroiled in bribery and kickbacks from sales of Naval Oil Reserves at Teapot Dome, Wyoming. Albert Fall, Harding’s Secretary of the Interior, was found guilty of bribery in 1929 becoming the first Presidential Cabinet member to go to prison for his actions during a Presidency. Not sure I need to go into great detail about Watergate, but suffice it to say that Nixon’s corruption knew no bounds. The Reagan years brought us Iran-Contra, the HUD rigging scandal, and  the Savings and Loan debacle. You might say that all these men learned from Ulysses S. Grant. His administration almost single-handedly invented the Republican scandals with Credit Mobilier.

Immigration–Let’s face it, Republicans, you’ve never really liked immigrants. It’s not that you have anything against immigrants, per se, but rather, lots of them coming in at the same time. Just look at the birth of your party. Aside from Free Soilers (people who wanted lands in the West devoid of blacks), the Republicans absorbed many anti-slavery Know-Nothings in 1860. The Know-Nothings, or American Party, was an anti-Catholic/anti-immigrant party. In 1882, fellow Republican Chester A. Arthur signed into law the Chinese Exclusion Act. In 1909, as a reaction to the growing wave of immigration from Southern and Eastern Europe, three Republicans–Henry Cabot Lodge, Albert Johnson, and David Reed–sought to restrict immigration. Their plan wouldn’t come to fruition until 1924 with the Johnson-Reed Act (otherwise known as the Immigration Act of 1924). After World War II, the need for Mexican-migrant labor ceased and Eisenhower appointed a former general to run the INS. Their plan, called Operation Wetback, went into affect in 1954 and within months 80,000 Mexicans were arrested.


War–Admit it. You are the party of War. You can spin it however you’d like, Noble War, Necessity, whatever. A Democrat hasn’t been introduced to a war they didn’t like in some fashion or at one point at time. World War I: Woodrow Wilson; ran on the campaign slogan “He kept us out of war” but months after election had U.S. soldiers on the fields of France. World War II: FDR. There are even documents that suggest that members of FDR’s cabinet, and possibly Roosevelt himself, knew at least eleven months in advance of the attack on Pearl Harbor and did nothing to prevent the loss of life. (Letters from U.S. Ambassador to Japan Joseph Grew, for example) Korea: Truman; “I will not let Korea go the way China went.” A silly little police action to prevent supposed dominos from falling. Vietnam: Kennedy; Johnson will escalate the numbers in 1965. More dominos. More blood loss. The four largest wars of the 20th Century–Democrats. You’ve got your proxy wars, too. Bay of Pigs anyone? And don’t forget who started the Civil War….

Women’s Rights–I’ll give you Roe v. Wade to remind everyone, but in this category your Party has two-face syndrome. While you support the right for women to achieve and be independent, you also have a litany of cheaters and adulterers. FDR: Lucy Mercer was his mistress for nearly thirty years and was by his side when he died; Missy LeHand served as FDR’s own private secretary. JFK: “used” whatever woman he came into contact with… White House staffers, movie stars, or reporters. He even had a suite on the 8th floor of Washington’s Mayflower Hotel for his “rendezvous”. Some we know of–Mimi Beardsley, Jill Cowen, and possibly Angie Dickinson and Marilyn Monroe. LBJ: well… let’s just call him the “Spanish Porn Star.” According to his former press secretary, LBJ “had the instincts of a Turkish sultan in Instanbul.” It is rumored that LBJ instructed his mistress to have an abortion even though it was illegal in the state of Texas. Clinton: two words–Monica Lewinsky. Both the “Spanish Porn Star” and Clinton had their dalliances prior to office, but we’ll leave those alone. Then there’s the saddest of them all. Rielle Hunter. She worked for John Edwards’ campaign, was his mistress while his wife was ill with cancer, and is the alleged mother of Edwards’ love kid.

Civil Rights–With all the hullabaloo the Democrats are making over voter identification, in-state tuition for illegal immigrants, and easing immigration laws, remember it was the Democrat that was doing what they could to keep minorities down. Look at one of the largest pre-Civil War Supreme Court Cases: Dred Scott v. Sandford, 1857. Chief Justice? Roger Taney. Party? Democrat. Sorry to remind you, but your are the party of the KKK. During the Great Depression, many New Deal programs ignored minorities, and some even made it illegal for minorities to get aid. In the 1950s, Governors Orval Faubus (Arkansas) and George Wallace (Alabama) did what they could to maintain segregation in their states. While it is true that it was a Democrat, Lyndon Johnson, who signed the 1964 Civil Rights Act, Democrats have to call a spade a spade. The Senate, Democrat controlled, attempted a filibuster to prevent the passage of the Act… oh, and Sen. Al Gore, Sr. was one of the “segregationists” opposed to the Act. If it weren’t for the Republicans, Johnson’s landmark Act would not have been passed. In fact, the majority of early Civil Rights programs were initiated by Eisenhower and later imitated by the Democrats to curry favor with minority voters.

Big Business–While Democrats often demonize Corporate America, the party depends upon its survival for their very own survival. Since the Great Depression and the legislation that brought FDR and unions into bed together, Democrats and Unions go hand in hand. What is not understood, is that without big business, unions don’t exist. Without the jobs big businesses provide, workers would be unemployed, and there would be no need for massive, cumbersome unions to protect them. Case in point: Obama’s bailout of GM. Without GM’s survival, unions would collapse. There is too much money at stake for this to happen. Like it or not, Democrats, you need big business. If you still don’t accept this fact: Look at the list of corporate sponsors for the 2012 DNC in Charlotte–At&T, Bank of America, Wells Fargo, Duke Energy, Time Warner Cable, US Airways, United Health Group, and The Coca Cola Company.

Wealth–In case you’ve been living under a rock these past few months, there’s been some chatter about Mitt Romney’s wealth and taxes coming from the Democratic Party. There’s a bit of irony in this, isn’t there, Mr./Mrs. Democrat? Some of the wealthiest presidents have come from the Democratic Party. Franklin D. Roosevelt: inherited parts of the Roosevelt fortunes. His net worth was around $60 million. John F. Kennedy: married Jacqueline Onassis of oil riches, and his own family was worth over $1 billion. His father was the first chair of the SEC. JFK’s share? All from trusts. Not a dime “earned,” though his death prevented him from collecting. LBJ owned a television and radio station in Austin Texas, and between that and other investments his net worth soared to near $90 million. More recently, John Kerry and the Democrats went after John McCain for not knowing how many homes he owned. Well Mr. Kerry, you and your wife own five homes with a net assessed value around $29 million. Seven of the top ten wealthiest Congressmen and women are Democrats (evens out in top twenty at ten apiece), with an estimated combined net worth of over $790,770,000. Oh, and the “first” Democrat, Thomas Jefferson, his net worth is estimated at $212 million.

Stealing an Election

There’s been quite a stir about voter fraud, ID’s to vote, and the like with both sides of the aisle accusing the other of trying to steal this November’s election.

So, I thought I’d help these two parties out, and give them a real, tangible means to steal hundreds of votes.

Warning, typical snarky comment to follow:

  1. Get a job at the local Alzheimer’s home.
  2. Make sure everyone there is a registered voter. Do your part as a member of your local political machine!

    voting day in a small town

    voting day in a small town (Photo credit: Muffet)

  3. Make sure everyone is voting by mail. We can’t expect an Alzheimer’s patient to drive over to the precinct now can we?
  4. Get them all to sign their ballots. Verifiable, honest and all within the law (currently). [As an aside… you can read here how this issue is being tackled in reality]
  5. Vote for them. Hey, they have no idea what is going on.
  6. There you have it! Some fifty to one hundred votes for your favorite candidate(s).

Okay, I am probably going to get hell from families with Alzheimer’s, but please understand this was meant in jest.

The scary thought is that there are people out there who canvass their neighborhoods for people willing to sign over their ballots (I personally know of one who did this exact thing in the 2000 and 2004 elections). Both parties are making such a show of IDs and the legitimacy of voting, but they ignore the fact that the process is flawed in so many other ways.