Washington DC–White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told the media that the White House was anxious over “Elevatorgate” and that the President was preparing to broker a peace settlement between the warring factions. “As with any foreign issue, the President is reluctant to get himself involved, but was willing to offer languid assistance. The crisis in the elevator had shaken the President to his core.” Rumors that the First Lady was preparing a hashtag campaign to raise awareness for the situation have yet to be confirmed. “At this time, our sources tell us that Jay-Z, Solange, and Beyonce have worked things out claiming that it was a ‘private family matter’,” Carney said. “We will continue to monitor the situation and will evaluate our response accordingly.” When asked if another beer summit was involved Carney responded, “We are in contact with Jay-Z’s publicist to find out if he is a Bud, Coors, or Michelob guy.”
Washington–A week after President Obama was interrupted by the White House press corps photographers White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced that the President would give a once weekly speech in the briefing room in which he would say complete gibberish. “Last week,” Carney said, “The President’s train of thought was broken, mid-sentence, by the incessant clicking and flashing of the photography corps.” As the President spoke on his current economic policy, he paused, looked at the cameramen and said, “What’s up cameramen? Come on guys.” He took a breath and looked at the reports and quipped, “They’re breaking my flow all the time.” Carney promised anxious reporters that the President would give the gibberish speech in a professional manner, full of his normal poise, grandeur, and personal flair so that the camera corps would get him at his most serious. Photographs of the President during regular briefings would not be allowed, but videography will still be allowed.
When word of this spread to Sen. Rand Paul’s office he quickly responded by saying, “Since when does anything the President say not resemble gibberish? Just more fodder for me to use in my State of the Union rebuttal.” Jay Carney was quick to counter. “If anyone on the Hill knows their gibberish, it is Senator Paul,” Carney said. “Just listen to him ramble on when he speaks about his foreign policy plans.” Carney referred to Sen. Paul’s speech at The Heritage Foundation which drew criticism from the right for being generally clueless.