Republicans invite Christine O’Donnell To Perform Secret Electoral Ceremony


Washington–In a secret chapel deep in the bowels of the Republican Party’s most sacred holy site, the U.S. Treasury Building, leading Congressional Republicans along side Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and the Koch Brothers gathered to resurrect a time-honored, long-lived election ceremony. The election ceremony has gone through many incarnations.  In 1952, the ceremony was convened so the Republicans could summoned their dark lord, Cyfoeth, to bestow upon them the ability to overcome the FDR-Truman Democrats. Ultimately, it was Eisenhower who sipped the concocted elixir. Legend has it that Nixon tried to steal it from him, and had to be wrestled to the floor by Nelson Rockefeller and Barry Goldwater. A less serious ceremony was held prior to the 1968 election, but many Republicans felt that they could have put up a cold fish to run against the Democrats and still won. As was the case in 1980. Many in the inner-circle felt that by not honoring Cyfoeth in the 1992 election with a ceremony seeking his guidance was the chief cause of the Republican Party’s downfall, and why he led them astray with Bush and McCain.

This year’s ceremony was called by the tri-High-Priestesses–Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, and the matriarch, Phyllis Schlafly–in order to save the Grand Old Party and atone for past sins.

“We are a divided party,” the reclusive Schlafly said afterward, “Between the stay-at-home mother types, the Tea Party, and our moderate conservative brethren, we need to find a balance and a leader that will unify our party once again.”

According to reports, the ceremony began at 2:12 in the morning–a symbolic time referencing Abraham Lincoln’s birthday–with Republicans dressed in black robes and chanting “Rydym wrth ein bodd arian, rhaeadru i lawr” and the newly appointed Coven Master Christine O’Donnell in a traditional brown robe. The assembled members walked solemnly into the bowels of the Treasury Building, into their chapel, and formed two neat rows as they knelt before the Cross and their Coven Master.

O’Donnell recited sacred text from Lincoln’s private diary as she added strands of hair from Teddy Roosevelt, a fingernail from Ronald Reagan, and a melted down war medal from Dwight Eisenhower to a simmering cauldron of almond paste, monkshood, and vervain. “We beseech thee, Cyfoeth, we your children call upon your name and invite you here Cyfoeth to guide us in these dark days.”

Ms. O’Donnell is the 31st Coven Master in the history of the Republican Party, and it is said that she is very honored by the appointment and will do everything in her powers to assist the party. It is rumored that she used the blood of fifty constituents in a Wiccan ceremony to assist the Romney/Ryan ticket. “I should have used one hundred,” she lamented after the election.

As the ceremony progressed, junior Republicans began to beat themselves with bundled, failed bills from the last Congressional session. Senior Republicans took original drafts of Romney campaign speeches and repeatedly gave themselves paper cuts on the arms and neck. Bleeding, they then began to writhe in a trance-like state while Rush Limbaugh played a drum beat on his bare chest and chanted in a low, almost growl-like voice, “Dewch i ni yr etholiad, Dewch i ni etholiad.”

“Cyfoeth honors us,” O’Donnell said as the room darkened. She proceeded to pick up a wooden stick said to be Lincoln’s original ax handle and she rubbed the stick against the bleeding bodies of the senior Republicans. “This is our time, brethren!” An anonymous source confirmed that she then donned the ceremonial headband adorned with the teeth of past Presidential office seekers; the two eye-teeth of Dewey had turned black shortly after the election of Kennedy.

Covered in blood, the ax handle was then used to stir the near boiling elixir in the cauldron at the center of the room. Dipping her hands into the boiling solution, O’Donnell proceeded to drink the elixir, and in a moment of pure introspection, she uttered the name of the next Republican candidate. No one in the room was willing to share the name, alleging that they were sworn to secrecy by having Phyllis Schlafly, the Highest of the three priestess, paint the mark of silence–made from the blood from the shirt Teddy Roosevelt wore when he was shot in Wisconsin and the blood from Reagan’s assassination attempt–on their foreheads. This was also to guard them against assaults from the left.

Are the Democrats killing the Republicans?

The Romney loss malaise has set in, and many on the right grasping as to why the Republicans lost this election. What was supposed to be a sure thing became a we can’t.

The GOP has been quick to cast blame wherever they could throw it, but this isn’t a game of horseshoes.

At one time, both party’s had their extreme groups clinging to the fringes of the party.

However, since the 1970s, one party has watched their fringe group slowly move their way toward the center.

At one time, abortion, same-sex marriage, and the legalization of drugs were taboo topics in government. Now, what was a small group of people on the left fringe have made their way into the main.

The Democratic Platform addressed abortion this way: (Try to ignore the fact that the Democrats say this, yet want government intervention on birth control)

“We oppose all efforts to weaken or undermine that right [abortion]. Abortion is an intensely personal decision between a woman, her family, her doctor, and her clergy; there is no place for politicians or government to get in the way.”

Ten states have written into their constitutions legal same-sex marriage. These states tend toward the blue.

Colorado and Washington states both legalized the possession of marijuana in 2012.

It is not just within the Democratic party that what was once a fringe idea has shifted to the moderate.

Mainstream media is also embracing these ideals.

New Normal on NBC

New Normal on NBC

New Normal

Television shows like “The New Normal” and “Modern Family” highlight openly gay characters. Looking at their titles alone, it can be seen how well what was once hidden from society has become an integrated part of it. While I am not one to cite the Huffington Post, they did run an interesting article on the political choices of viewers of these shows, and they stand to support my assertions.

How is this killing the Republicans?


The further to the middle these ideals slide, the further to the extreme right shifts the bulk of the Republican party.

There was a time when a sort of détente existed between the Democrats and Republicans. A tenuous peace predicated on each party keeping the fringe groups contained on the edges of the party. The party leaders could come together in the middle, my neck of the woods, and work together. Now, as views that contradict almost every fiber of the conservative Republican become more accepted, they retreat further into the corner of politics. And what do hunters say about a cornered animal? Exactly.

How to Save the Republicans

I’ve heard Rush Limbaugh and other Republican talking heads talk about how the Republican party is in surrender mode.

Really, Mr. Limbaugh, the Republicans are in a more dire place than that.

By shifting to an extremist position on the right, fighting to “retake America”, they end up Beliefs-of-the-Republican-Party-e1353328912692looking like crazy zealots shouting from the highest peaks of insanity. Instead of fighting, it is high time for the Republicans to come back to the middle. How they do that, though, is going to take a measured amount of trust and faith in the system that they are claiming to want to “retake”.

At the fundamental core of most Republicans is a moral conservative that was born during Reagan’s first election. I say to these Republicans–Tea Party or common Republicans–it is time to live what you preach: Love they neighbor.

The writing is on the wall. We are in the “new normal” and you aren’t going to take back anything. The harder the Republican party fights against these norms, the more the Democrat party wins.

The Republican party needs to not judge (lest, of course, they be judge… not by God, but by the voting society that views them as antiquated).

The Republican party needs to love their neighbor. They don’t have to accept anything. If their neighbor wants to have a same-sex marriage, be happy for their happiness. Remember, dear Republican, God brought hell on earth to Sodom and Gomorrah, but this is the same God that allowed Lot to sleep with his two daughters.

Puritan father and wife with children

Puritan father and wife with children

It isn’t that the Republican party is the party of old, white men. However, it is seen this way because of the image of Puritanical white men who lived as God on earth (He for God only; she for God in him).

I would argue that most Americans see themselves as fiscally conservative while socially liberal. These are the targets that the Republicans should court. Unfortunately, the socially liberal aspect is non-existent with the extremism of the new Republican.

Republicans, look for the good in this “new normal”.

Right now, judges in the juvenile court system will not hear cases involving parents giving their children marijuana so long as the student is “passing” their classes and attending school. Doesn’t matter if the child is attending stoned or not. There just isn’t room in the case load for these issues (FYI, as a teacher, I asked this question of a juvenile court judge and that was his answer). Now, at least here in Colorado, maybe we can tax the pot dispensaries and use this money in the juvenile court system?

The Republican party shouldn’t compromise anything. Hold your values. Teach your values. Just accept that at this moment in American history, your values aren’t the norm. Right now, there are independents looking for a fiscally conservative party; people, Democrats and Independents alike, admit that we cannot survive years of reckless spending like we have seen recently.

Let loose the extremist camp. Let them form their own party.

Find a way to come back to the middle.

Otherwise, yes, Mr. Limbaugh you are right. Time Magazine you are right.

The Republican party will die.