Proimperium: Which Candidate Will Sink Lowest And Win?

 

Beaver Creek, Colorado–A group of the wealthiest political backers met at a private ranch near Beaver Creek last week. The group, led by Peter Riche and calling themselves the Proimperium, meets quarterly at the ranch to discuss all things political in America and the World. While typically mundane–setting up the agenda for upcoming G8 summits, arranging diplomatic meet-and-greets–this week’s meeting became a lively debate between Democrat supporter George Soros and Republican super-funders David and Charles Koch.

At issue, according to Peter Riche, was the bet between the deep pocketed political supporters. “George was upset,” Peter said at a local eatery after the meeting ended, “That the Koch brothers put up Paul Ryan instead of another Sarah Palin-type. He felt slighted that he kept Biden on the ticket, and the Koch brothers snuck Ryan into the Romney campaign.”

Apparently, nine months ago the Koch brothers and Soros made a bet that they could get the most bumbling fool into the White House. “We’ve all lost hope in our parties,” Peter Riche said. “Truly, the best thing for us all would be to see both of them dissolve into oblivion, and a new party forms that operates in fiscal conservatism and social liberalism. Until then, we might as well have fun with the American people.”

The recent slew of “leaked audio files” comes directly out of the meetings held on the ranch. “We go to high dollar fundraisers and corner our candidates in awkward conversations. Of course, we only release snippets,” Mr. Riche said.

It is no coincidence then that two days after a Romney tape “mysteriously” was handed to the media in which he complained that “47% of Americans are dependent on the government and wouldn’t vote for him anyway” that a tape of Obama in 1998 appears in which he says that he believes in “redistribution” of wealth. One candidate that feels there are forty-seven percent of Americans who want redistribution and one candidate that wants to redistribute it.

When asked about his view of the campaign, Mr. Riche replied, “As a life-long Democrat, I find it rather humorous that we can run a PAC ad in which Obama says that he will continue to fund clean energy, yet it was one of those very companies, Solyndra if you remember, that we gave a half a billion dollars to go bankrupt. Amazing how dumb we can make our party look and yet garner votes.”

About the conflict over VP candidates, Peter Riche had a different perspective: “Obama can do no wrong with the majority of voters so we need a Biden. The Republicans opted to have Romney so they need a Ryan to balance it all out. I think George is being a bit over-dramatic, but it doesn’t help that Biden doesn’t even know the exact number of troops America has in Afghanistan.”

The next meeting of the Proimperium isn’t scheduled until after the election. We’ll have to wait until then to see who has to pay up on the bet.

 

 

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