Washington DC–Citing a lack of time due to securing kickbacks assured him from political organizers and industry supporters, Senator Edward Mitchell (R-Mont) decided to send a chimpanzee to yesterday’s vote on the invocation of cloture on S.B. 2289 which would add nearly three thousand random pages of text to the tax code. Sandra Burke, Sen. Mitchell’s press secretary, said of the chimp, “At this time Senator Mitchell needs to focus his attention on concerns regarding his constituency. He has a number of revenue streams from various industries that need his attention. We feel that the chimpanzee will dutifully represent this office and the citizens of Montana in a forthright and knowledgeable way.”
Fellow members of the Senate were puzzled when confronted at the end of the day about their new colleague. “I had no clue,” Sen. Annie Brook (R-WA) exclaimed to reporters as she exited the Senate chamber. When pressed about the fact that half-way through the reading of the bill, the chimp began jumping on the desk and started flinging poo, Sen. Craig Garner (D-OH) remarked, “It was just like any other day in the Senate.”
“It sets a dangerous precedent,” Betsy O’Rourke of the independent think tank CongressSucks.org said. “When we elect baboons for Congress, we expect the baboons to show up, and not send in chimps.” However, this sentiment was not felt by everyone. An informal straw poll conducted by the Washington Post found that eighty-seven percent of respondents believed that more might be accomplished in Congress if we all elected chimps. “They can’t do any worse,” lamented Buck Smith, a thirty-one-year-old unemployed plumber. Over at Helper Monkeys of the Greater DC Metro, they are seeing a spike in phone calls from Senators and Representatives. “They want know if they can rent a helper for the day,” general manager Sarah Lambet said. “It has been great for business!”
The chimpanzee voted for the motion to invoke cloture for the motion on S.B. 2289.