Thought I’d make my 100th post something totally different. If I offend anyone, um, just laugh for once today, k?
Why yes, yes I do.
I sit at home during the holidays and watch college football. Every game.
Thank you for asking.
It is college football season, in case you don’t follow college football or you happen to live in the same hole that Hussein was found in.
There are many people complaining–from sport’s bars, to holiday get-together’s, to blogs and message boards–about the plethora of bowl games. Arguments abound on the dilution of games, why a 6 and 6 team should be playing in January, and how ridiculous it is that bowl season starts in early December and ends in mid-January.
I see it differently. Since no one is a loser in this society, and everyone has to get a ribbon, I say let every team play in a bowl.
And, secretly, I am awaiting this year’s “Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl” just so I can watch a collection of two- to three-hundred pound linemen shoving each other around. Oh irony, how I love you.
Here are a few of my suggestions (with sponsors when possible):
Sesame Street/PBS You Rock Bowl
Company headquarters: Arlington, VA
Venue: anytime after the Military Bowl–RFK stadium, but I would go with any city where everyone is a winner! Bay Area? Portland, OR?
Participants: The two teams with the worst records. Both teams get a trophy, every player gets a blue ribbon, and no one gets their feelings hurt because the game must end in a tie.
Adam and Eve French Tickler Bowl
Company headquarters: Hillsborough, NC
Venue: Game could be played somewhere in the Raleigh/Durham area, as North Carolina only has the one bowl–Belk–played in Charlotte.
Participants: Each year Playboy Magazine publishes their list of top party schools. Invite the highest ranked available teams. The goody bags for this bowl game would make every player, even the back-up punter, popular on campus.
Anadrol Pump You Up Bowl
Company headquarters: Alaven Pharmaceutical LLC., Marietta, GA (Though I seriously doubt they’d want to sponsor).
Venue: Best bet, same place as Chik-Fil-A Bowl (Atlanta has the one game).
Participants: ESPN reports that steroids are still rampant in college sports. Find the teams with the biggest, freakish kids on the block and invite them. Can you imagine how many teams would be vying to get into this bowl just for the gift bags?
Sylvan Learning Center IQ Bowl
Company headquarters: Baltimore, MD
Venue: M&T Bank Stadium (Maryland has no bowl games, and when you say M&T quickly it becomes sort of ironic for this bowl)
Participants: Invite the two teams with the lowest graduation rates. Pre-game activities include tutoring and old textbooks with all the important information highlighted.
Lifetime Network Manhater Bowl
Company headquarters: New York City
Venue: Believe it or not, there are no bowl games played in NY. The MetLife Stadium.
Participants: Well, this is going to insult someone, but we’d have to invite the two pansiest teams. I suppose we’d have to give this to the two teams that give up the most points and yards on defense.
The Affiliated Pot Dispensaries of America Smoke-A-Bowl
Headquarters: None. This bowl is an homage to the Peach, Cotton, Sugar, and Orange bowls where an industry sponsored the game, not a corporation.
Venue: As a thank you to the voters of the states of Colorado and Washington for supporting small businesses, the games will alternate between Boulder/Denver and Seattle.
Participants: If the Rose Bowl can limit their participants to Big and Pac, then the Smoke-A-Bowl will honor teams from Colorado and Washington. However, since the two states only have five division I-A teams, if those teams are taken, then the bowl would be open to teams from other pot liberal states.
U.S. Treasury Department Bailout Bowl
Headquarters: Washington, D.C.
Venue: Anywhere in America. If Citi (recipient of a three-hundred million dollar bailout) could sponsor a bowl, and a major one, the Rose Bowl, until they dropped it in 2010, then why would we need the middle man? Cut to the chase government!
Participants: This bowl goes to the two schools with the worst revenue issues. There are so many colleges and universities saddled with multiple long-term contracts for head coaches–hired/fired–that they could use some government intervention.
Association of American Bookies Bowl
Headquarters: Vegas or New Jersey, I would suppose.
Venue: Vegas, of course!
Participants: Since the death penalty handed down on SMU years back, it would appear that more and more teams are getting caught in the act of or accused of bribing potential players, giving “gifts” to players, and getting caught in point shaving rings. Since no one person can be blamed, and it is bad to punish everyone (read Penn State), and though the teams violated laws–state or NCAA– and have been banned from post-season play, we should let these kids play too! This year, the teams would be Ohio State vs. Miami. Not a bad match up really. Future games would include teams banned by the NCAA or the university itself.
Payout: revenue made by the bookies divided in half.
Debt Collectors Introductory Bowl
Headquarters: With so many agencies, it is difficult to just assign one. We’ll wait for a major agency to step forward and sponsor this bowl.
Venue: Anywhere in California since it is the most bankrupt state.
Participants: According to a Yahoo article seventy-eight percent of NFL players are bankrupt or severely in debt within two years of leaving the game. This bowl serves as an introduction between the collectors and the future players/”customers”. Teams invited: the two teams with the highest number of NFL prospect or highest ranked draft picks.
So, there you have it. My new list of bowls that we can add for this season. Now, let’s get to it!