Vatican City–The Sistine Chapel, long suspected of harboring spirits of dead cardinals and bishops, took it upon itself to elect a new pope last night. The few tourists and citizens of Rome who lingered in St. Peter’s Square after the first announcement noticed that the small chimney atop the Sistine Chapel was billowing white smoke. “We were very surprised to see smoke,” Dieter Schmidt, a German-Catholic who’d come to the Vatican with his wife and daughter to greet the new Pope, said. “We are very confused, and were the people with us.”
They weren’t the only ones. A spokesperson for the Vatican, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “When the smoke was first noticed, we rushed to wake the Cardinals. Everyone ran to the Sistine Chapel. We found it empty.” Rumors swirled that Pope Francis wasn’t truly elected, but the Vatican spokespeople confirmed that he had received the necessary two-thirds vote. Though the details were spartan, it would appear that within the Sistine Chapel senior Cardinals found a charred piece of paper that looks to have been spit out of the fire. Though not confirmed by an official source, the spokesperson said that the name on the paper was that of a fourteen-year-old boy living in Venezuela. “It is all a bit Harry Potterish,” the spokesperson said, referring to the J.K. Rowling novel The Goblet of Fire.
It is uncertain at this time what, if anything, the Church will do about this second Pope, but already fears have started across the internet that the boy will be moved to the Vatican and housed with the new Pope. Fearing a possible public-relations crisis, the Vatican immediately posted via twitter that the Church was going to imposed stiffer punishments on any member of its church committing “vile sins against children.”