Herndon, Virginia–Beginning a three-day trip around the East Coast, President Obama stopped in at a local burger restaurant, treated his staff, and then spoke about his plan, introduced in the State of the Union, to raise the minimum wage to nine dollars.
“The President is concerned about his legacy,” White House aide John Langmore said. “We chose the one topic that polls well in America: minimum wage.” He went on to say that the President is concerned that history will view him as the man in office who bought his way into the presidency through campaign bribes to low-information voters and welfare recipients. “The Republicans went hard after the President on Obama phones, you-didn’t-build-that, and a campaign that catered to welfare recipients.”
According to Langmore, the President acknowledges that most Americans are lazy pieces of crap who’d rather get something for free than work for it, but he hopes to invigorate the American people by giving them self-respect for a job well done and a decent paycheck in the process. Even Republicans can’t complain with this, and they were left almost speechless. “What about the seventeen-year-old in Iowa who will lose out on a job? Sure we are all about fair work at fair pay, but we are taking it away from the kids,” Henry Samson (R-IA) begged after the State of the Union to an audience of one unlucky janitor.
“If it weren’t for the kids, the adults would have jobs in this country and unemployment would be lower,” chided Langmore between bites of a double-stacked hamburger with cheese, and drips of special sauce on his chin and shirt. He reflected on the high school drop out rates and promised those would drop also with an increase in the minimum wage. “Kids just quit school because it is a job that doesn’t pay. They’re smart. But take the jobs away, what are their alternatives?”
Obama’s legacy will be cemented with this jobs promoting minimum wage bill. It would appear that Obama wants Americans to know that, yes, they did build that. And his preference is medium-well, cheddar cheese, some tomatoes, lettuce, and fries.