Now that Government is officially working…

… I say it is high time for them to get working.

But, we all know that there is no way these fine elected officials will be able to do any true work related to actual government despite hard-line statements from President Obama regarding partisan politics.

So, I have an idea of baby steps that the government should take in order to learn how to come together and work. I have put together a list of things that annoy us all so these should be easy to pass, and it will lead to confidence within the parties that they can, actually, work together. Get these done. Learn to work together. Then get to the issues that really matter.

Over packaged Children’s Toys

twistsChristmas Morning. Your child eagerly awaits their gifts. Gifts they wrote letters for, pleaded for, and actually behaved around the house in order to get. Paper torn. Joyful yelps! They hold the toy or doll high above their head like a primal trophy. You share in their glee. Then it happens. You try to pry the damned thing free from its bondage while your child grows further impatient.

Why in the world do I need a degree in Applied Knot-Untying to get out my child’s gifts?

There has got to be a better way. Congress do you part!

Children’s Names

name-tagI once met a La-A (pronounced La-Dash-Ah). There’s the internet famous Shithead (obviously pronounced Shuh-teed). In New Zealand, you might bump into Number 16 Bus Shelter. And, speaking of New Zealand, how can any of us forget the commonplace name Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii?

However, at least some of our foreign brethren have the decency to have laws in place to regulate the naming of your child. Want to name your child “Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb111163 (clearly, pronounced Albin) don’t try it in Sweden where governing laws prevented it from happening.

Sadly, here in America, this could easily have been a child’s name. I’ve bumped into way too many versions Cameron’s alone. Neither the medicine cabinet, the internet, nor the contents of your handbag should be the inspiration for your child’s name. A child’s name shouldn’t sound like their parents had a mouth full of marbles when explaining it to the nurse. It is high time that the government step in and end the madness!

Lest we be saddled in the future with President Hashtag Smith–oh wait, we just might.

Commercials in Theaters

reserved_lrgThe way I see it, I paid to see the movie, not commercials. It’s the same principle with purchasing HBO or Cinemax or Showtime. Sure, I could watch the same movie on a regular cable channel, but then I’d have to deal with commercials and the inevitable “This Film Has Been Edited for Run Time and Modified to Fit Your Screen”. I chose Pay-Per-View to avoid commercials. Hence, I shouldn’t have to deal with them in the theater also.

If, on the other hand, theater chains continue to insist on commercials for law firms no one has ever heard of despite the fact they are our “neighborhood team” then said law firm should also pay for part of my ticket. I tolerate commercials on my cable channels because without them my bill would resemble the GDP of some small African nation. Okay, let’s be honest, I just DVR the show and fast forward through them. Congress, you could easily step in here and either get rid of the commercials, or you could force the theaters to do what cable companies do: Use the revenue to cut the price. Fair is fair.

Restaurant Bread Not Cut The Entire Way Through

Though we eat in groups, the event itself should be an entirely personal thing. From a young age, we are taught not to touch the food, not to play with the food, not to grab something and then put it back.

k-restaurant-bread-and-herb-butterSomewhere from our childhood to adulthood, this concept has faded. The most obvious place is the devious way in which some restaurants fool us with their faux-slices of the bread. What we are left with, then, is a group manhandling of the bread. We tear at the loaf as though we were cavemen devouring the first meal of the day. Some people get the soft, bready goodness, others are doomed to the crusty flakes and dried outsides. And, unless you are the lead dog, you are going to get the grabbed, slabbed, torn pieces that have touched everyone else’s hands. Not the best way to start a dinner.

As a side note: While Congress works through this one, they are more than welcome to add a rider to this bill outlawing open mouth chewing, especially those who chew gum with their mouth open.

When the Holidays Officially Begin

walmarthalloweenchristmasI love the holidays, all of them, just like the next person. However, I have issues with the over-commercialism of it all. Halloween through New Years is the worst. It is a bit peculiar to be grabbing bags of candy for Halloween while looking at Christmas ornaments. A limit to how early stores can put up their holiday displays is desperately needed. Common decency among neighbors is Christmas decorations on the house over Thanksgiving; Halloween decorations at the beginning of October. Just following societal trends, Congress has precedent to follow regarding dates.

Otherwise, back-to-school shopping will be a bit confusing as we meander the backpack aisle and have to navigate around the Christmas decorations.

Toilet Paper: Over or Under


According to the International Center For Bathroom Etiquette, there is no singular standard for toilet paper. There are those who prefer the over-the-top method–hotels for example. Just for sake of transparency, I prefer the “over” method.

Some people will argue that the over-the-top method is less wasteful, allows for better line of sight for the proper amount to satisfy your cleaning needs, and works with the natural physics of the “tear.”

2011-11-30-1a65085Others say that the under-the-roll method saves messes from overzealous toddlers and bored house pets. Smacking the roll, if in the under-the-roll method, would just wave a flap of loose paper on each spin. Going over will lead, they argue, to a bathroom that looks like a the front yard of a particularly reviled high school kid.

Unfortunately, despite pleas from the under crowd, they are in a distinct minority. According to survey seventy-two percent of Americans prefer the over-the-top method. Here is a clear majority pleading for leadership.


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