Not to be outdone by his Russian counterpart, Obama has assumed “male-model” status.
In the realm of world leaders, few have the physique and magnetism of Valdimir Putin. Francois Hollande would be lucky to be stuck pressed against a woman in a crowded Metro car. Kim Jong-Un looks like an obese, hairless Pug. David Cameron is so homely that he is the man you’d date if he were the last man on earth. Russians are so proud of their badass leader (who has tranquilized a loose tiger, flown a firefighting helicopter, and even has a 14,000 foot mountain named after him in another nation–which, of course, Putin plans to summit) that they are willing to strip for his campaign and send him erotic calendars for his birthday.
Putin is the type of man who would appear in magazines that are shrink-wrapped and set on the top racks at airport bookstores. His piercing blue eyes make Russian women swoon, and men quiver at his steely gaze. If movie directors were looking for an older James Bond, Putin could walk into the room and immediately win over the entire production team without saying a word.
In light of this immense popularity, President Obama, needing a boost in the election prior to what will certainly be troubling times as the debates loom, has taken a page out of Putin’s playbook. In an effort to distract voters from the fact that he can’t run on a solid record, Obama’s health team has whipped the President into shape. “It is fortunate that we already have the anti-obesity program in place,” Peter Shilling, Obama’s chief trainer, said. “We’ve got him kicked of the cigarette habit, and we’ve been brewing a non-alcoholic light beer, though we’ve put recipes for a stronger ale on the internet.” The whole regimen has proven successful. Obama’s first photo set, taken on a beach in Southern California during a recent campaign stop, have just been made public.
“Next week,” Shilling said, “We will have the President take a break from his campaigning to attempt to tag a wild wolverine in Northwest Montana. When asked why a wolverine, Shilling replied, “When cornered, the animals are persistent and stubborn in defense of their environment. It is the image we want to portray with the President, also.” The President wants the images spread across college campuses around the country. The hope is that they will inspire the youth vote to the same levels he had in the 2008 election. Borrowing from Putin’s Army, the President’s team would like to see bikini clad college girls offering car washes to get the vote for the President.
Does that mean Obama will begin to receive erotic calendars for his birthday? “Our ‘sign the birthday card’ campaign did well, but we’d really love to see a calendar campaign,” Shilling said. This reporter awaits the Boobs For Obama PAC commercials. In the mean time, we’ll just have to watch Russian girls strip for Putin.